Incorrect Email Address
A
room and he decided to send an email to his wife. As he typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a one-letter mistake in the email address.
Meanwhile, in
"To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that everything's been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. I hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"
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PUTTING BOOTS ON
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and pushing the boots just didn't want to go on. By the time she'd got the second boot on, she'd worked up a sweat.
That's when the little boy said, "Mrs. Smith, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier getting them back off and re-put on the correct feet. That's when the little boy said, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue and managed to keep her cool as together they worked 'em back off.
He said, "They're my brother's. My mom made me wear them."
Mrs. Smith didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But she mustered up the courage one more time to wrestle those boots on his feet again.
"Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."
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HUNTING
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
The other added "Yeah, but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"
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Cell Phone Call
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."
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More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men.
It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
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On Trial For Murder
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
``Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,'' the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. 'Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,” he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.'
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.
A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answers the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't
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SIGNS THAT YOUR NEW CAR IS A LEMON (aka dud)
~ You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct line to Moe's Towing Company.
~ The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.
~ The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.
~ The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.
~ You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.
~ As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.
~ When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.
~ The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "Me Again."
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Air Conditioning
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
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Bathroom Scales
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."
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The Bear Hunters
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
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Frozen Turkeys
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.
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A Fishing Funny
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
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The following letters supposedly were taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. In truth, this was composed by comedian Shelly Berman. It is rather long, but it is very funny and if you haven't seen it before, you'll love it.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added
3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who....left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one.....bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet.
- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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RUNNING AWAY
A man gave his son a scolding so the boy decided to run away. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father decided to handle the matter calmly. "What if you get hungry?" he said.
"Then I'll come home and eat!" the boy said bravely.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I'll come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let Mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head, "Are you running away from home or are you going off to college?"
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Teaching scientific concepts can be a challenge. Below is a sampling of some of the more interesting test answers from students collected by science and health teachers at various grade levels, printed in Popular Science magazine.
- When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
- The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
- Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
- Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
- To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
- Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
- Three kids of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydogin is gin and water.
- A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
- The body consists of three parts--the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five--a, e, i, o, and u.
- The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends toward the moon, because nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Before giving a transfusion, find out if the blood is negative or affirmative.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies. Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
- Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
- H20 is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
- Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
- For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
Mom and kids
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
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Minister's First Funeral
A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service for a derelict man who'd died while traveling through the area with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country, and the man would be the first laid to rest in this particular cemetery. The minister, whom was also new to the area, got lost while trying to find the cemetery. He finally arrived at the sight, approximately an hour late,
and saw the crew and backhoe working, but there was no hearse in sight. The workmen were eating their lunch, and even though he was late, the minister was determined to give the man a proper burial.
He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, who looked somewhat puzzled, and let the minister proceed. The vault lid was already in place, but after assuring the workers it was the proper thing to do, the young minister proceeded with the graveside service.
As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch, the minister poured out his heart and soul. As he preached the workers even started saying "Amen and praise the Lord!" The minister preached, and preached, and preached like he'd never preached before. He started in Genesis and worked his way through to Revelation. He preached for two hours and 45 minutes! He finally closed in prayer, and then left the graveside.
As this young minister was walking to his car he was feeling pretty good about himself. He had a sense of renewed purpose and dedication for his role as Pastor, even in spite of his tardiness. As he was opening the car door and taking off his coat he then overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years. But I ain't never seen anything like that before."
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Church Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Fifty Reasons Why Older Is Better
1. You really have watched a lovelier sunset, eaten a sweeter peach and seen a more beautiful baby.
2. You can say, “When I was your age…” to more and more people.
3. You don’t have to feel compelled to know all he answers, or all the questions.
4. If you want to change your mind, nobody thinks anything of it.
5. When you decide to do something on the spur of the moment, nobody thinks anything of it either.
6. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. You’ve seen it all before, even if you don’t remember where.
8. No more pregnancy scares.
9. People are pleasantly surprised when you know the difference between the Internet and a hairnet, a Macintosh and a modem, a CD-ROM and a sitcom, a < xml="true" ns="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" prefix="st1" namespace="">
10. Senior-citizen discounts – reduced motel rates, airfares, etc.
11. You can relax, quit trying to impress people and be your best self.
12. Enough time to give blood, forget a grudge, eat words you should never have said to begin with, pray for someone you don’t even like and so something kind for someone who’ll never know who did it.
13. No more frustrating shopping for gifts, because checks aren’t only socially acceptable, but recipients – especially in-laws and grandchildren – prefer them.
14. Friends who “remember you when,” don’t.
15. Lying about your age is easier now that you sometimes forget what it is.
16. Gray hair has more body.
17. You don’t have a bedtime.
18. You remove mattress tags without fear of legal consequences.
19. Helping you with your computer makes your grandchildren feel important and needed.
20. Instead of counting sheep when you can’t sleep at night, you can count your IRAs, your grandchildren, friends with hip replacements and pills you forgot to take.
21. You will probably be among the first hostages to be released.
22. Standing in the shallow end counts as swimming.
23. You don’t have to get all worked up about New Year’s Eve.
24. Been there. Done that. Now, a new openness to other experiences.
25. You can wear a sombrero and a bathrobe at the beach.
26. Drivers are more likely to stop for you when you’re in a crosswalk.
27. Freedom to start a new hobby or resume an old one with no pressure to live by the old unspoken adage, “If you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all.”
28. Finally, good enough is really good enough.
29. More body parts can be medically replaced.
30. You can wear comfortable shoes, and no one notices – or even cares.
31. You feel comfortable choosing being kind over being right.
32. Taking time out for a walk is no longer considered a luxury but an essential.
33. Most of life’s major disappointments are behind you.
34. You have developed a new appreciation of old things – old friends, old books, old valued and ideas, and yourself.
35. You are old enough to realize you are never too old for new beginnings.
36. You have gained amazing insight that the faults of other people are now worse than your own.
37. Personal experience has proven that spending time with loved ones is fare more meaningful than spending money on them
38. You’ve leaned that enjoying he journey may be just as important as reaching he destination.
39. You’ve experienced the joy of occasionally taking detours – the road less taken provides immeasurable delights you never planned nor anticipated.
40. You realize that the fits of life, health and love outweigh anything mere money could buy.
41. You’ve had at least one experience you wished desperately you’d never had but you wouldn’t trade for anything.
42. You’re finally accepting the reality that you won’t live long enough to do all the things other people want you to do; so you’re beginning to select priorities that matter most in the long run.
43. You know that lighting someone else’s candle in no way diminishes yours.
44. You minimize preoccupation with the negatives in your life and concentrate on your gratitude for all the positives.
45. You change the things that can be changed, accept those that cannot and pray for the wisdom to know the difference.
46. You listen more, learn more, laugh more, love more, lend a helping hand more, and live more.
47. You know from experience p yours and that of others – that a clear conscience and peace of mind far outweigh fame or fortune.
48. You’re learning to put the past behind you, put the future into proper perspective and live each day as if it might be your last, for someday it will be.
49. Leaving a legacy of love, integrity and good deeds if far more valuable than a great estate of material wealth.
50. It’s the perfect time for looking inward, outward, forward and upward?
Tool Glossary
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
DREMEL TOOL - A very useful tool for modellers which allows them to make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning $100 kits into spare parts, and completely justifying the purchase of another $100 kit.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your can drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
EIGHT-
ELECTRIC
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also used as replacement for screwdriver.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
RADIAL
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
Ponder: The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.